How does someone get over

[Judy]

How does some someone get ovet the lost of both parents a yr apart and an aunt 2 months following the parents? I wake up during the night crying for the lost of my family? It hasn't been a yr yet that we just either buried them or scattered their ashes. I hope to be able to fine the answers and to move on.

[Father Marc Vincent]

Dear Judy,

As one who has lost both parents like you have and also has counseled many hundred's of people through the grief process in similar situations I have found this and perhaps it will help you.

" The loss of someone we love, cared about, and were concerned for IS SOMETHING WE NEVER GET OVER. The important thing to remember is that WE CAN and MUST HOWEVER GET THROUGH IT...."

For some reason society and even the people who love us and care for us seem to tell us and expect us to "GET OVER" the death of someone we love. The question I ask is "Why do I have to get over it?" To me to just be able to "GET OVER" the loss of someone who was so vital in my life is to pretend that they were temporary conditional to me in the first place and that they are now gone and that is that....

Now, I am not talking about grieving to the point of making myself sick and unable to function but rather I am saying that it seems to me "that if I can just get over their loss" is somehow denying the importance of my relationship with them and the place of importance they had and honestly still have in my life.

I now know I will never ever just "get over" the loss of my mom and dad, but I also realize that I must get through it. I do this by surrounding myself with people who I know care about it as well as cherishing the memories I have and still experience when I think of the person I love who is no longer with me in a physical sense.

We can talk more about this if you would like. Let me know...

Father Marc+

PS -- I encourage you to read my BLOGS entitled "The Trail of Tears". These BLOGS include some excerpts from some of the continuing education courses I have taught on the subject of grief and bereavement.

[Judy]

how does some one get over it when there is no one around me to support me in this this time of crisis? I have no good friends i can talk to that would understand and my sibling don't care to know how i feel.

[Father Marc Vincent]

Judy,

I can only suggest that you make an intense effort to find someone there in the area in which you live. Perhaps a grief support group, a civic group that makes referral to others who are going through what you are going through, or possibly a church or religious organization that can direct you to someone. You have possibly already tried this, but I recommend continuing to look if you have. Do not give up. You must continue to help yourself until you find those who can help you. Believe me when tell you that there is someone out there, close to your location, who is willing and able to help and support you as you work towards moving forward.

Also, your personal doctor or family physician may be able to find a place where you can find some people who are in the same position as you are. Since I do not really know where you reside I am unable to assist you in this but feel if I did know I could probably help you in finding a starting point.

Like I said in my first writing, I do not believe the loss to death of someone who is close to us is ever something we get over, however we must make every attempt, with the inner strength and resolve that we have to get through it so that we can move ahead back to a place of productivity.

Someone is out there, close to you willing to help. You must continue to be willing to make every effort to locate them.

I also have my own religious and spiritual views about these types of things but I am reluctant to come off as a "know it all" or "preachy" type of person. In my opinion the best help we can find at times like these is someone who can assist us spiritually.

I am sorry for your grief and your sense of being alone. At least this website has allowed you to begin to connect with people of like mind and understanding.

I am praying that you will find all that you need.

God bless you...

Father Marc+

PS -- My older sister is named Judy...!!!

[Judy]

I have heard from many people that we always do get over this and move on. I am in the Texas area btw.Why is it that the ones we love always go and pass away?

[Father Marc Vincent]

Judy,

I understand that many people say that we are to get over it. I heard it myself. In fact, I used to say it myself until I was the one in the position of being told "that I now had to get over it." Don't get me wrong, I know that life must go on and possibly it is just a way of looking at it. "Getting over it" to me seems to cheapen the depth of the relationship I had with those who have now died. In day to day life I get over people who let me down, things that upset me, and problems that arise but when it comes to the death of my mother and father I will not be told I will get over it. They were too important to me to be something that I must get over. They were the most important people who in reality gave me life. How can someone really truly get over that fact. No, for me, the challenge is to get through the fact that they have died and I will never see, hear, or speak with them again. That challenge is to cope with those facts and find the best life that I can have for both my family and I. That is what I mean. It was easy to tell people to get over it but it is different when it has now happened to me. I think you understand what I mean.

As far as your question about what they ones we love have to die and go away I am afraid that only the God you serve can answer that question for you. For me, I have come to realize it is a part of life. It is a very painful part of life, but that is the way that it is. I have realized that one day I must die and go away and it is I who will be leaving those that I know love behind to grieve for me. It is a great mystery of life and to me your question is spiritual in nature.

If you care to let me know what area of Texas you are in I can try and find a ministerial contact or group in your area who might be able to help give you some love, compassion, and support.

Let me know how I can assist you.

God bless you,

Father Marc+

[Judy]

Not only am i dealing the the fact of my Adopted Parents gone but my Aunt passing away within the following 2 months. I am in the D/FW area of Texas.How long does it normally take a person to get back to a normal life again?

[Father Marc Vincent]

Judy,

I have a good minister friend who lives in Sherman, Texas which is I believe about an hour from Dallas/Forth Worth who spends a great deal of time there. Perhaps in time I can put you in contact with him and his wife. They are really good people, loving, warm, and compassionate.

Getting back to normal life again? That also is a difficult question to answer. If by normal you mean exactly the way it was before these 3 people who you loved deeply passed away, I honestly believe that your life will never be exactly as it was when they were alive. The healing process you need and the time it will takes depends on your personal strength to move forward as well as support of good, loving people who will help you along the way. It is important for you to get some people around you that you can grow to trust and together, all of you make progress and move forward.

I wish I had the ability to just say a "magic word" and make this all go away for you but I do not have that power, nor really does anyone you currently know or will meet. The inner healing process will take some time, exactly how long is dependent on what I said earlier in this note.

God bless you,

Father Marc+

[Judy]

People can contact me at [e-mail] If you should know anyone from the D/FW area in the metro area.

[Father Marc Vincent]

Judy,

I certainly hope you are able to find someone to be your friend and confidant in these troubling days. I know someone is out there for you, perhaps someone who needs the exact same type of friend you need right now.

It has been nice speaking with you.

Father Marc+

[Tonya]

Judy, I live just right outside of Dallas. If you need me I am here.

[Judy]

Hello Tonya,
I am living in the Arlington area. I don't have any support that i can talk to. I have my 2 brothers but they don't seem to understand where i am feeling. I don't have any friends i can really take and share my feelings with. I only hope i can be able to talk to people and be friends. I have a hard time dealing with this problem.