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momsfourboys's Page
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- About Me:
- I am the mother of four beautiful boys. All share my heart, but only three share my home. My first little boy, Kyle, lives in Heaven. He was only four years old when he died, after the most courageous battle with cancer.
I am married to a very loving, patient man. He has an incredible sense of humor, which has proven to be contagious. It has definitely been passed on to all of our boys. Without these gifts of humor, I am sure there would be far more tears.
I was a stay-at-home Mom for about 15 years. My Kyle's death was confirmation of how precious time truly is. Having only four short years with him has given me such a depth of appreciation for every second with everyone I love...but especially time with our children.
I have worked at our fourth son's elementary school, part time, for the last six years. Our third son was there with me, or should I say I was there with him, until this year...when he went to middle school. Our youngest is still there, but he'll be going on to middle school next year. Just maybe, I'll have to transfer over there, because the best part of work is seeing our boys throughout the day, even if it's only for a few moments :) Our second oldest son is just down the block, from my work, at the high school. So, I guess I'm as close as I can be to all of them, without clinging to their belt loops :)
I have been a part-time student, one and off, for a very long time. I have been trying to get my nursing, or psychology degree. However, life, and family, has always come first. So, if I finish school...that'll be great. But, if it doesn't...that's ok, too. As I know my priorities have been in order all along. Being Mom is my most important job in life...and because of that, I will never live with regrets. I am living out my life's passion, by just being Mom, and doing what's right for our family...which is surely right for me, too!
In my "spare" time I love being with my family. Whether it be watching movies, playing games, listening to music together, and especially listening to our boys playing the piano, guitar or saxophone. They've been given such gifts, and I could listen to them play all day! We also love camping, fishing, snowmobiling, ice fishing, watching our boys sporting events, or their hockey games on the lake. But, our very favorite past-time of all...cuddling. It's what we do best!
My "me" time is spent being active in my support group, that I started, about two years ago. It is for parents who has suffered the death of a child from leukemia. I created it as a place for grieving parents to find comfort, compassion and incomparable understanding.
I also spend time writing. I write poems, and other types of writing. I am usually writing something for friends, or family, for gifts. And, often, other people ask me to write something for them, or for their family, or friends, for gifts. I find writing very therapeutic, as well as enjoyable by others and by myself.
I also love going to garage sales, which furthers me from my feeble attempts to organize our lives, and our living areas...as I can always find more "stuff". :)
My greatest life challenge is trying to figure out how to live without my Kyle. It's a moment-by-moment struggle, that will, no doubt, take a lifetime. I have learned, in time, that we truly never "get over" our child's death, or the circumstances of their death. We simply learn to live a new life...a life without our child. I have also found that I will never accept the death of my child. It'll just never be ok with me. I'm a grieving mother, but I'm also a feisty, Irish redhead...and that combination is lethal! ;)
Along this journey, I've discovered that reaching out to other grieving parents is the greatest medicine of all. Whether it be when I'm in need, or when someone else is in need. The bond of grieving a child is universal, as we can understand each others hearts like no one else can possibly ever know.
I thank you for sharing my greatest loss of all.
- Tell a little about the person lost...
- My four-year old little boy, Kyle, died of leukemia, following a bone marrow transplant. He was diagnosed on June 15th, 1992, and died December 7th, 1992. He traveled a short, but fierce journey. He underwent almost four months of chemotherapy. Then, his little body was prepared for his bone marrow transplant, with full-body radiation and very intense chemo, as to insure killing all of the "icky" (as Kyle called them) cancer cells. But, as cancer treatment goes, his healthy cells were also killed. As a result, Kyle's body endured countless episodes of organ failure. He suffered heart failure, kidney failure, lung failure, liver failure, internal bleeding, strokes and most obvious, and painful of all, skin failure, being that our skin is our largest organ of all.
Those final hospital memories are what's in the forefront of my mind. I wish they weren't...but that's where they've remained all these years. I fight so hard to push them to the back-burner. However, these repetative, reenacted, true life nightmares have proven to be stronger than ever. I wish my day-to-day memory was as good as my memories of Kyle's struggle to stay alive.
Kyle spent his final two months in barbaric pain, and his last month in a coma. Even in a coma I'm certain he was suffering, as when something invasive was being done to him...he would cry. How does a Mother ever forget such painful memories like that? Also, for that last month, doctors couldn't explain why Kyle was still alive. He had been holding on, and holding on...despite his little body falling apart day after day. However, when I finally realized that I could no longer watch my little boy suffer, I whispered in his ear that it was "ok" to go. I told him that I loved him more than anything in the whole, wide world. Within a minute of saying those words...my little boy took his final breath. Because of that, I have no doubt that Kyle was waiting for me, his Mom, to say it was ok...and to let him go. And, as I needed to do that for Kyle's sake, I had no idea how indescribably painful my heart would feel the rest of my life. Yet, for Kyle, I would take his pain, and mine, all over again, if I had the choice. But, we don't have that option, of course. But, we do have the choice to continue living. And, I do. Although, my desire to have Kyle here with me never fades. And, neither does my love for him...
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Dear Beth Ann
a beautiful tribute to your sweet ^i^ Kyle
I know how much you miss him and I know he is there with you in every beat of your heart
Love and hugs to you and your precious Angel boy Kyle
Love Jacob's mum
Eric
Your conversation with Kyle and you telling him it was OK to go brought back some memories for me too. I believe like you that our children were waiting until we were strong enough to tell them it was alright.
I still work with our family contact group and have recently applied to be a befriender of our local childrens hospice. It hurts me sometimes, seeing the hope in parents eyes and knowing that theirs will not be a good outcome but these days BMT's have come on leaps and bounds and we have a lot of kids in the group who are thriving.
I guess our Angels were just too special to be here for long - I'm glad we both got the chance to hold one for a little while.
Take care
love Gail xx
Welcome to the Healing Community.
"I am so very sorry for your loss." No matter how heartfelt they are intended. those words can feel trite or cliché... that is the problem with expressing sympathy with just words...they do not seem like they would be enough. We mean the best....but those words don't seem to be enough.
That is why I wanted to create this site. I think that over time....with words, prayers, photos, video, and heartfelt emotions....we can all express what we truly feel to each other....
We want to share that life is precious, that time goes too fast, and that we don't feel like we have nearly enough time to be with those we love. And when one of those people leave this world.... we wonder just how can we possibly get along with out them?
It is my prayer that not only can we find a way to remember those lost....but that, in their honor, we can find a way to keep making life precious.
This is your site. Feel free to explore at your own pace.... and contribute thoughts, prayers, photos, music and videos as you feel is best.
I am here to help you in any way possible. If you have any questions at all...please let me know.
Eric
I look forward to getting to know you and your wonderful little boy more.
Hugz Gail xx
2/10/88 to 12/7/92
Our hero...even though cancer won the final battle