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Is anyone else afraid to pray?
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Started this discussion. Last reply by Jeanne Christie Jul 6.
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- About Me:
- I lost my 16 yr old son Brad - 0ct. 19th 2007- In a auto accident. He was with my husband & older son. Actually I came very close to loosing all 3. but, My husband and other son are healing. Thank God.
After a week - My 14 yr old daughter and I realized we couldnt wait for my husband, and 18yr old son- And we had to have our dear Brads funeral on our own. Life has been really difficult .
I also lost my 20yr old nephew, 2 yrs ago to an auto accident. My father to stomach cancer, and My father in law to brain cancer.
As I read others stories on here- It breaks my heart- I truly wish none of you knew this awful pain I feel. But, we all do - don't we... I am really struggling and wish I had inspiring words to share with you like some do- But- at this point all I can say is I am so sorry for your losses- and I am sending you all love-
- Tell a little about the person lost...
- Brad was so amazing, loving, kind, smart, funny, talented, and focused on his future. He loved life- Was Always Smiling- And had so many Friends, Even though he could be kinda shy - He just seemed to light up a room when he walked in, He loved nature, He took time to look at the beauty around him. He was so loving yet tough, He was giving & kind & after my nephews death he told me If anything ever happend he wanted to be an organ donor.
I feel destroyed with out him- I miss him sooooooooo Bad. I dont know how to go on--- I can't beleive it's months since I hugged him ,seen his smile, heard about his day & enjoyed his humor. Oh just to touch his face again. Most days I feel like i am spinning out of control, I cant focus on what I am doing & don't even care. Then I get a calmer day- those days scare me .. I kinda feel like my brain takes over & is trying to give me a little break - I go into this complete blank-state, And I can get a few things accomplished. Only it scares me because I have learnt of the complete shut down that follows. I do try to pull my self out of it - but - the reality of life just keeps smoothering me. I am struggling with that, I still find my self thinking .. he should be home at such n such a time- Then the destruction of reality hits again.
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say good-bye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why.
HIS SMILE -
Though his smile is gone forever, and his hand I cannot touch, I still have so many memories of my son I LOVE so much. His Memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part. God has him in his keeping, I have him in my Heart. SADLY MISSED - NEVER FORGOTTEN.
I am ashamed of myself..............
God how do we do this? how do we go on? The pain is so severe- I feel like I am smothering, This blanket of pain stealing my air, my love for life, my happiness. It feels like my heart is so destroyed that my body is shutting down,
I find myself being angey & not a person I like very much. I tell myself Brad would hate me being like this but- no matter how hard I try I can't seem to accept what happened. It all feels like a nightmare that I have to wake up from- When I think of the last 6 months - I feel like I am watching a bad movie. And I am soooooooooo ready for the movie to be over. I miss my Brad so much. I can't handle this. He was so cheated- He was in my seat in the vehicle- It should have been me!!!!!! WHY wasn't it me???? I am so mad I wasnt there that night. And I am so mad people didnt do their job & let 3 accidents happen on that road that day.
I find myself being angey & not a person I like very much. I tell myself Brad would hate me being like this but- no matter how hard I try I can't seem to accept what happened. It all feels like a nightmare that I have to wake up from- When I think of the last 6 months - I feel like I am watching a bad movie. And I am soooooooooo ready for the movie to be over. I miss my Brad so much. I can't handle this. He was so cheated- He was in my seat in the vehicle- It should have been me!!!!!! WHY wasn't it me???? I am so mad I wasnt there that night. And I am so mad people didnt do their job & let 3 accidents happen on that road that day.
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My old friend Grief is back. He comes to visit me once in a while just to remind me that I am still a broken woman. Surely there has been much healing since my daughter died three years ago, and surely I have adjusted to a world without her by now. But the truth is, we never completely heal and adjust to the loss of a major love. Such is the nature of loss that no matter how much time has passed, and no matter how much life has been experienced, the heart of the bereaved will never be the same. It is as though a part of us also dies with the person we lose. We will be all right, but never the same.
And so my friend Grief drops in to say hello. Sometimes he enters through the door of my memory. I'll hear a certain song or smell a certain fragrance or look at a certain picture and remember how it used to be. Sometimes it brings a smile to my face, sometimes a tear. . . sometimes both. Some may say that such remembering is not healthy, that we ought not dwell on thoughts that makes us sad, yes the opposite is true. Grief revisited is grief acknowledged, and grief confronted is grief resolved.
But if grief is resolved, why do we still feel a sense of loss and get a lump in the throat even years later and when we least expect it? It is because healing does not mean forgetting, and because moving on with life does not mean that we don't take a part of our loved one with us. Of course, the intensity of the pain decreases over time if we allow Grief to visit us from time to time. Sometimes my friend Grief sneaks up on me, and I'll feel unexplained and profound sadness that clings to me for days. Then I'll recognize the grief and cry a little and I can go on. It is as though the ones we loved and lost are determined not to be forgotten.
My old friend Grief doesn't get in the way of my living. He just wants to come along and chat sometimes. In fact, Old Grief has taught me a few things about living that I would not have learned on my own. Old Grief has taught me that if I try to deny the reality of a major loss in my life I end up having to deny life altogether. He has taught me that although the pain of loss is great, I must confront it and experience it fully or risk emotional paralysis. He has also taught me that I can survive great losses, and that although my world is very different after a major loss it is still my world and I must live in it. He has taught me that when I am pruned by the losses that come, when I let go I can flourish again in season and bring forth the good fruit that comes, not in spite of my loss but because of it. But the greatest lesson my friend Grief has taught me is that the loss of a loved one does not mean the loss of love, for love is stronger than separation and longer than the permanence of death.
My old friend Grief may leave me for a while, but he'll be back again to remind me to confront my new reality and to gain through loss and pain.
I certainly know what you are talking of when you speak of your pain. I am constantly surprised at the depth of it all - today is 5 months. I think that the main issue is that it is becoming normal to not have him here, but I don't like it and it isn't "right". I don't want it to be normal to be without him. I do remind myself that Christopher would not like me dwelling on my loss. Afterall, I firmly believe that Christopher is the big winner in all of this. From the first moment, I was convinced that he was spared a difficult life - in what manner I don't know, but I have faith that God is good - - - - even when I don't like it.
That really doesn't make it any easier for me. I hate being a family of 1. I miss him terribly.
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